Mind Your Business: A Fed Baby is Best

Motherhood comes with enough opinions flying at you from every direction, and for some reason, how you choose to feed your baby seems to be a common topic. Breastfeeding? People have thoughts. Bottle-feeding? More thoughts. Combo feeding? Somehow, still more thoughts.

But here’s the truth: it’s nobody’s business how a mom feeds her baby.

The Pressure to Get It “Right”

We’ve all heard it: “breast is best". Breastfeeding can be beautiful. But it can also not be for a mom who is predisposed to postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Breastfeeding can also be painful and mentally draining. There can be an emotional weight that comes with the pressure to do it the “right way.” There can also be anxiety around supply, the constant self-doubt that somehow, you’re not doing enough.

The reality is that breastfeeding doesn’t always come naturally, and it doesn’t always come easily. Sometimes it’s not possible, sometimes it’s not sustainable, and sometimes it’s just not what’s best for you.

And that’s okay.

For the Mom Who’s Thinking About Stopping

To the mom sitting on her couch, baby in her arms, tears in her eyes, nipples cracking, maybe even bleeding, wondering if she’s a bad mom for wanting to stop: you’re not. You’re a mom who’s been trying her best, who’s been giving her body, her energy, and her emotions day after day.

If your mental health is suffering, if you dread every feeding, if you’ve started to feel resentment instead of connection, please hear this: it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to pivot. It’s okay to choose you too.

Stopping doesn’t mean you failed. It means you listened to your body and your mind. It means you love your baby enough to want both of you to be well.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what feels right for your family.

Let’s Talk About D-MER

Something that rarely gets talked about is Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or D-MER. It’s a physiological response some mothers experience where, right before their milk lets down, they feel a sudden wave of sadness, anxiety, or even dread. It’s a hormonal reflex tied to the release of dopamine during milk ejection.

Moms with D-MER often describe it as feeling an emotional crash right as their milk starts to flow, sometimes lasting seconds, sometimes longer. It can be confusing and isolating, especially when everyone around you says breastfeeding is supposed to feel “bonding” or “beautiful.”

If this sounds familiar, please know that it is a matter of biology, not your reflection of your ability to be a mother. D-MER is real, and it’s not your fault. Talking about it with a lactation consultant or therapist who understands perinatal mental health can help you find support and tools to manage it.

Physiology

Not every mom has the physiology to make or maintain a full milk supply and thats’s more common than we think. Having a milk stash in the freezer is actually rare, and that is a reality we need to remember.

Some women have underlying health conditions, hormonal imbalances, or past surgeries that affect milk production. Others simply don’t respond to pumping or experience delayed or insufficient lactation for reasons no one can quite explain.

This isn’t about effort, willpower, or love. It’s biology. And it doesn’t say a single thing about your worth as a mother.

Normalizing the Hard Parts

Breastfeeding can be hard. Middle-of-the-night pumping sessions, clogged ducts, and the constant question, Am I doing enough? Formula feeding can be hard, too; from dealing with judgment to measuring, washing, and trying to justify your decision to others.

But feeding your baby, in whatever way works, is an act of love. Every ounce, every bottle, every nursing session, every late-night feed. It’s all motherhood.

Breastfeeding as a Social Justice Issue

It’s also important to recognize that the ability to breastfeed isn’t just a personal or biological subject; it’s a social justice issue.

Not every mom has the same access to time, resources, or support to make breastfeeding possible. Many parents want to breastfeed but can’t because of systemic barriers, like inflexible work schedules, lack of paid maternity leave, limited access to lactation consultants, or hospitals that don’t offer culturally responsive postpartum care.

For many working moms, especially those in low-wage jobs or without family support, the idea of exclusive breastfeeding simply isn’t realistic. Pumping every few hours requires breaks, privacy, and proper storage, things that are often treated as “luxuries” rather than rights.

And for BIPOC moms, particularly Black and Latine mothers, historical and ongoing inequities make things even harder. Research shows that these moms face higher barriers to breastfeeding support, lower access to lactation education, and more stigma around feeding choices. Colonial and medical systems have long policed how women of color mother and nourish their babies, which is why conversations around “choice” have to include justice.

Breastfeeding shouldn’t be a privilege. Every mom deserves access to the information, time, and community support needed to make the best decision for herself and her baby. So yes, feeding your baby is deeply personal, but it’s also shaped by your intersections, by policies, culture, and systems that either support or limit your options. Recognizing that truth helps us hold more compassion for every mom’s story.

Let’s Clear Up a Few Myths

• Myth: Breastfeeding automatically means a stronger bond.

  • Truth: Love builds bonds, not milk.

• Myth: Formula-fed babies aren’t as healthy.

  • Truth: Fed babies grow, thrive, and feel loved. That’s what matters most.

• Myth: Good moms breastfeed.

  • Truth: Good moms make decisions that honor both their baby’s needs and their own well-being.

The Bottom Line

Whether you nurse, pump, combo-feed, or formula-feed, you are doing something sacred: nourishing your baby. That looks different for every family, and that’s the beauty of it.

Let’s drop the shame, the judgment, and the comparisons. Let’s celebrate the moms who breastfeed, the moms who bottle-feed, and the moms who switch things up halfway through…because we’re all just trying to keep our little ones fed, healthy, and loved.

At the end of the day, a fed baby is best, and a supported, emotionally healthy mom is even better.

De Aquí y de Allá,

Elsa Matsumoto, LCSW, PMH-C