Amor y Amistad: Building Secure Connections Through Healthy Attachment & Communication
As a therapist, I often remind people that love isn’t just about romance; friendships are also a form of love. In the Latine culture, Valentine’s Day is knows as El Día del Amor y la Amistad, Love and Friendships. The way we show up in friendships, set boundaries, handle conflict, and communicate our needs is deeply tied to our attachment styles and relationship patterns.
But while we put so much effort into learning how to be a good romantic partner, we rarely talk about how to nurture deep, lasting friendships. Healthy love, romantic or platonic, requires intention, self-awareness, and the ability to communicate in a way that fosters security rather than anxiety.
Understanding Attachment Styles in Love & Friendship
Attachment styles don’t just affect dating, they influence how we show up in friendships, too. Here’s a breakdown of common attachment patterns:
Anxious Attachment: You may overthink friendships, need frequent reassurance, or fear abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment: You might struggle with vulnerability, feel drained by too much closeness, or avoid emotional intimacy.
Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable expressing your needs, trusting that your relationships are stable, and handling conflict with confidence.
The goal? Moving toward a secure attachment style. And the way to do that? Practicing healthy communication.
5 Ways to Strengthen Love & Friendships Through Communication
1. Be Honest About Your Needs
Many people hesitate to express their needs because they fear being “too much.” But secure relationships thrive on clear, open communication. Instead of waiting for someone to read your mind (because I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to play mind games) , try saying:
"Hey, I miss our catch-ups! Can we plan a time to get together?"
"I love our time together, but I also I’m going to head home early because I need to re-charge."
2. Embrace Conflict, It’s a Sign of a Strong Relationship
A healthy relationship isn’t one where conflict never happens—it’s one where both people feel safe addressing issues without fear of rejection. Instead of avoiding hard conversations, practice using "I" statements to express how you feel:
Instead of ,"You never prioritize me,” try, "I feel hurt when our plans get canceled last minute. Can we find a better way to communicate about changes?"
Conflict isn’t the end of a friendship, it’s an opportunity for growth. When handled with honesty and respect, disagreements can actually strengthen relationships by building deeper trust, understanding, and emotional resilience. Instead of seeing conflict as something to avoid, think of it as a chance to practice healthy communication and reinforce your bond. True friendships aren’t about never arguing—they’re about knowing you can work through tough moments and come out stronger on the other side.
3. Pay Attention to Love Languages in Friendships
We often hear about love languages in romantic relationships, but they apply to friendships too! Some friends show care through deep conversations, while others express love through actions. Instead of focusing on what someone isn’t doing, try to notice the ways they are showing up.
4. Check In Regularly, Not Just When There's a Problem
We tend to think check-ins are only needed when something’s wrong, but real connection comes from consistent communication. Try asking:
"How was your morning, friend?”
"I know you have been having a hard time dealing with XYZ. How can I support you?”
5. Accept That Friendships Change, And That’s Okay
Not all relationships stay the same forever. People grow, priorities shift, and life changes. Instead of seeing friendship changes as rejection, view them as part of life’s natural ebb and flow. A true connection doesn’t always mean daily interaction, it’s about knowing you can pick up where you left off, no matter the time apart.
For many, relationships, especially friendships, are deeply tied to loyalty. We were raised with the idea that showing up for others, no matter what, is a sign of love. But sometimes, that means we put ourselves last or feel guilty when we set boundaries.
Let me remind you: self-sacrifice isn’t the price of love. You deserve relationships where you feel seen, valued, and supported, not just where you’re expected to be the one who pours out of your cup all the time.
It’s okay to: Say no without over-explaining, choose friendships that nourish you, not drain you, express your emotions.
True friendship and love should never feel like obligation or exhaustion, they should feel like home.
De aquí y de allá,
Elsa Matsumoto, LCSW
